Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
