You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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