My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
