therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
