No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
