my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
