my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
