dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
