He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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