nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Randomize
