Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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