Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
