I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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