never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
