Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
