i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
