i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
