put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
