I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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