I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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