Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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