She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
