Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
