go do what you do best...puke behind churches
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
