Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
