I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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