I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Everything about him screamed your future.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
