you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
