Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
