you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
farters have to be the big spoon...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
