Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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