I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
