Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
