So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
