She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
