the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
