i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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