can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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