you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
