remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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