hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
