In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
