party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
