it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
