You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
