if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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