rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
