I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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