So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Randomize
