It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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