I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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