and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
