why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
